Fall has fallen; what to do now …

I typically love this time of year. People are travelling for the holidays, and scheduling becomes impossible, so I simply don’t. Windfall days abound. The heat of summer has given way to sweaters and sportscoats that hide the summer weight gains. Cold weather and falling leaves bring Redneck Holy Days, so I hunt a lot. Saturdays are for college football, and a little creativity can keep me from doing too many chores due to the cold. This year is different.

My baseball teams are done, the Royals since early October and the Cardinals since about May. I am barely interested in college football now that my beloved Cowboys have lost everything but their shoes. At least I have deer season coming — and the holidays.

Last-quarter holidays are stressful, and not just because of the shopping and preparations. Lawyers at family parties are riddled with legal questions from family and friends, some of whom we haven’t seen in a long time, often regarding topics about which we have no idea. Last year, I abandoned an attorney I was chatting with at a party when one such person laid siege by the snack table to discuss a court case that neither of us were involved in.

“Discuss” is a generous term. It was really a long monologue with the occasional “don’t you agree?” sprinkled in. I am not proud of leaving my wingman, but I am at the age where my tolerance for blowhards is low.

When asked what to do if arrested, I can only say that I can’t help unless there is a wreck in the police car. Sometimes this is enough but not reliably so.

Besides the legal questions, this year was compounded with an election. Listening to Uncle Andy talk about the Illuminati controlling the weather is well outside my abilities. It is up there with trying to explain that Congress doesn’t control the price of Doritos. For those of you looking to be excused from a conversation this year, I have a few suggestions:

• Speak in Latin, even if you can’t. My public school education did not include Latin classes. The scene in “Monty Python’s Life of Brian” with the Latin graffiti was the sum of my Latin education, and I wasn’t really sure why it was funny. Still, sprinkling “res ipsa loquitor, am I right?” into a conversation is a sure way to get both a blank stare and excused. If someone wants legal advice, toss in a “semper ubi sub ubi” and a knowing look. No questions will follow.

• The Rule in Shelley’s case is a guaranteed conversation stopper. I am not even sure the rule is still a rule, but the subject is as boring as it ever was. I remember an orientation for lawyers helping with flood relief. I couldn’t imagine what lawyers could do besides fill sandbags, and training for that should have taken minutes, not the hours spent orientating. Were we to counsel flood victims with: “I say my good man, I see your house is floating away. Pity, but would you like to hear about the Rule in Shelley’s case?”

Any arcane legal concept will work when you want out of a conversation. Don’t quote the best evidence rule though. I tried that once and almost fell asleep myself when the words left my mouth.

• Offer to help in the kitchen. Desperate times call for desperate measures. If Latin and legal concepts don’t bore folks away from you, you will have to abandon ship. No one will blame you for excusing yourself to help in the kitchen. My caveat here is that I am not certain this will work. I am useless in the kitchen. A dull knife is more helpful. But if I have to wash pans to avoid Aunt Moira’s questions about suing her neighbor’s barking dog, I will do it.

For those who love the holidays and holiday parties, I jealously salute you. I regularly weigh my interest in snacks and drinks against the energy it will take to overcome inertia and leave the house. I have snacks and drinks at home, and I can pretend not to hear the doorbell if Andy and Moira show up. If they ask, I had a Hallmark movie on too loudly.

Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St. Louis.